isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
