my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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