Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
barbara walters just said penis...
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
A+ Viking dick
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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