I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
high people should be assigned attendants
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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