boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
