I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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