return my video game
you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
