BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
