just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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