The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Randomize
