yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
My dick has a subreddit
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Randomize
