Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
