Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Randomize
