the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize