I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
