she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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