Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Randomize
