My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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