You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
you guys were way drunker than both of me
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
