Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
