dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
