is this the sara with the beer cane?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Randomize
