Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
