remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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