I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
