Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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