New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
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