I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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