Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
