If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
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