ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
