He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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