don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
