Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
