I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
vagina is talking i cant
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
