May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I wear drunk well.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
