they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
