i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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