my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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