I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
