i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Me. At least after what I've been through.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
