i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
