Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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