She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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