He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
