So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
