The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
