Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
