Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
