His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
