The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
